Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
