It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
