I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
