That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
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