So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
