The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
