so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I have aggressive nipples.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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