Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
