Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
