last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
