Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
COCAINE IS GR8
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
