Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Randomize
