he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Dick very happy bro
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
