Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
In America we eat man semen.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
