I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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