the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
