I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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