I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
