chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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