Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
