is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
