Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
