I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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