Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
