The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
