This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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