Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
