Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
