dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
We have started to decorate penises.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
