I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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