i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Randomize
