Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
