I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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