One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
