Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
