Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
