I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
