captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
