So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
