you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
