I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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