I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
