Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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