I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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