I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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