I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
