John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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