im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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