i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
