Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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