I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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