god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
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