He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
