Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
