But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Even my vagina gasped.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
