there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
