You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I enjoy the company of your penis
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
