Apparently you make a good broom.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
We talked him into tasing himself.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
