Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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