Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
