New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
