do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
