if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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