The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
