Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
the liver wants what the liver wants
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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