i just wanna soil my oats bro
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
