remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
