I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
