I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
