It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
