im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Success! We fucked roommates!
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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