I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
