theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
