I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
