I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Thank you for not boning my boss.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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