He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
