you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
